Hell's Kitchen Season Five Premieres Tonight [television]

Already up to season five?

Hell's Kitchen season five premieres tonight at 9pm, and we are so gonna watch it. Make no mistake — this is bad television, but at least it doesn't have the supposed culinary "ambition" of Top Chef, which is a farce anyway. No, Hell's Kitchen is straight up junk food, and a wildly popular one at that.

Usually aired during the doldrums of summer, HK does exceptionally well — season four had its highest ratings yet — but this season is going to have the added benefit of having American Idol as its lead-in. After four seasons, Hell's Kitchen has almost become a mockery of itself, but we, the viewing public, have expectations, and Fox, thankfully, ensures that they will be met.

Will Gordon Ramsay fake-vomit in episode one when the contestants prepare their "signature dish"? Will contestants break down and cry when they overcook the Beef Wellington to Ramsay's displeasure? Will Ramsay mock the overweight contestants with fun phrases like "donkey" or "donut"? Will Ramsay shut down the "restaurant" mid-service because the contestants can't get the food out? Will Ramsay throw food against a wall? Will the winner be woefully inadequate for the prize of "chef" at one of his restaurants? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.

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