Charlie Brooker Really Hates the New Walkers' Crisps Flavors
Where to start with Charlie Brooker's assessment of the six trial flavors of Walkers' crisps on the market in the UK right now? The crisp (ahem, potato chip) brand has launched a contest in which the snack-consuming customer votes on a new flavor, and they've corralled the increasingly media-omnipresent Heston Blumenthal to weigh in as well. The thing is, according to Brooker, the flavors range from "self-consciously wacky" to "excreted battery acid." In other words, horrific.
On "Builder's Breakfast":
It captures the feeling of sitting in a greasy spoon, being dumped via text while your food repeats on you. Depressing.
On "Cajun Squirrel" ("no squirrels were harmed in the making of this crisp"):
They taste precisely like a tiny cat piping hot farts through a pot-pourri pouch into your mouth.
On "Onion Bhaji":
It's like a lame TV movie about onion bhajis, starring Adam Woodyatt, with a soundtrack consisting entirely of library music, broadcast directly on to your tastebuds.
On "Chilli and Chocolate":
A boring lunatic with halitosis explains the smell of charred wood to your tastebuds.
We're tempted to chalk Brooker's contrarian attitude up to a Toby Young-esque compulsion to prioritize wit over accuracy in judgment, but who cares? Unlike Young,'s canned flat-falling soundbites this is fantastic. We didn't come close to blockquoting all the good stuff. Read it your damn self.