The BeltzBib: The Drive-Thru Fast Food Bib [actual product]

The BeltzBib: Fill Your Fat Face While Driving, No Stains!

At first glance, The BeltzBib seems to solve one of life's major dilemmas: How do we keep our clothes clean while stuffing our faces with drive-thru while we're in the car? It goes so much further than the obvious solution of a mere bib — this being America, land of invention, land of fast food, and land of the automobile, a simple shirt covering won't do.

The BeltzBib, brilliant product that it is, has a built-in pouch to hold the food, and attaches to the seatbelt (safety first!) with Velcro to ensure the bib doesn't slip. Priced at a highly reasonable $13.95 (with free shipping no less), we can't decide if this yet another sign of the end-of-times or an important step in the evolution of snacking.

But maybe it's best left to their own description:

BeltzBib™ is designed to protect clothing from stains and spills while you or your passengers are eating in your vehicle. Simply attach BeltzBib™ to your vehicle’s shoulder harness; place your food in the pouch of BeltzBib™ and continue your journey without worrying about stains and spills. When you are finished eating, remove BeltzBib™ from the shoulder harness, roll BeltzBib™ up and secure it with the attached Velcro fitting. Place BeltzBib™ under your vehicle seat for the remainder of your journey. When you arrive at your destination, unroll BeltzBib™, remove any food particles or wrappers, place BeltzBib™ in your washing machine or handwash it. Dry BeltzBib™ and then you are ready to resuse it again.

Get one for the kids, too!

Is this imaginary? Are we being punked? This looks like something wrought from the demented minds of the creators of Idiocracy or the The Onion (see their wearable feedbag for similar, but imaginary, WTF-ness). We checked, no patent has been filed for the BeltzBib, but perhaps a paper-based non-recyclable version handed out at drive-thrus might be more appropriate?

Update: The inventor contacted us and informed that he does indeed have a patent on the BeltzBib, and he's "also covered the paper disposable version in the embodiment of my patent." He added, "I would love to work a deal with Yum Brands on the paper version." You listening Yum Brands?

The Dystopian Snack-Based Future

The BeltzBib has that air of desperate inevitability. Obviously the brainchild of some sick genius who just couldn't take any more stains on his clothes while eating that Egg McMuffin in his car, but if anything, this is truly the product of the fill-your-craw on-the-go culture.

The hover chair from Wall-E

The lazy boy from Idiocracy

Idiocracy and Wall-E were truly Bush-era films, envisioning similar destinies — part of us hoped (and still hopes) that Obama would usher in some form of a new age of enlightenment, but then we see something like the BeltzBib, and we can't help but feel
that the force that's driving this civilization towards an Idiocracy-style dystopia is just too great.

—Raphael Brion

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