Cookin' with Coolio: By the Numbers

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Photograph: Paula Forbes / Eat Me Daily

As you may recall, rap superstar Coolio has been producing YouTube cooking videos for about a year now, and, like any good online cooking phenomenon, he got a book deal out of it. Cookin' with Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price (Amazon) is a collection of fairly basic recipes that remind me of church cookbook dishes, but described in terms that are decidedly not church friendly. Full of tips on how to become a Kitchen Pimp, Cookin' with Coolio is more a novelty read than anything that could be considered truly instructional. Below, we break it down like Coolio: by the numbers. 1, 2, 3, 4...

  • Number of stars Coolio's food tastes like: 5
  • Number of stars Coolio's food costs: 1
  • Number of items in the "pimptry": 28
  • Number of items a Kitchen Pimp has in his or her Weaponry, including a FryDaddy: 13
  • Units of measurement used: a "peench," a dime bag, and a nickel bag.

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Photograph: Paula Forbes / Eat Me Daily

  • Number of recipes it will take you to become a "master kitchen pimp": 76
  • Number of recipes for steak: 8
  • How long it takes to make "Night-Night Chicken," a casserole for late night drunk munchies: an hour and twenty minutes, if you have everything already "cleaned and chopped in your fridge, like a respectable ghetto gourmet."
  • How much the "ten droppings" of barbecue sauce for the Swashbucklin' Shrimp equals, in "landlubber" speak: 1/2 cup.
  • Number of "Cool-Mandments": 10
  • Number of chefs thou shalt have before Coolio: 0
  • How much Hennessy you should drink while cooking, for all Coolio cares: a fifth

cookin-with-coolio-cookbook-really-corn-salad

Photograph: Paula Forbes / Eat Me Daily

Coolioisms

And now, because not everything in life is quantifiable, some of the best quotations from Cooking with Coolio:

  • "Hell, when I was growing up I could make a meal out of a package of Top Ramen and a bottle of Windex."
  • "Everything I cook tastes better than yo' momma's nipples."
  • "I may not be an iron chef, but I'm the only chef with platinum records."
  • "You can't have your spatulas and your whisks runnin' around like they own the place."
  • "My marinades add color and flavor so intense that it makes the Mona Lisa look like the Sunday edition of Marmaduke."
  • "If MacGyver could turn a paper clip and a roll of toilet paper into a Jet Ski, then you can use a slotted spoon to create a breakfast of mass destruction."

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Photograph: Paula Forbes / Eat Me Daily

—Paula Forbes

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3 Comments

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  1. so the order of color and flavor:

    Coolio's meat > Mona Lisa > Marmaduke

  2. ko

    Classic! What an amazing talent. Definitely on the Christmas list.

  3. me

    Ha! I actually want this :P

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